End of Year Memoir

What does the new year mean to you? For some, it may mean once and for all, dropping the old you and starting anew, to others it may mean partying, music and booze and others may have lost a loved one and lost a part of themselves or gained a new member of a family. And for some, it may just mean another day. To the country, it meant alot of things. Humans have a way of marking a beginning and an end, and new year's is part of that ritual. Whatever it means to you (or doesn't mean to you), we bring you what it meant to the team of V.E.N.T! Magazine. We'd love to hear your stories too (do post it on our comments section). Hope you have a great new year!

Unforgettable Moments by Sanjana Shrestha, Reviews Editor

Just as I entered the health post situation somewhere in the middle of a dense forest, I saw a young woman walking out of the labour room in great discomfort. It was obvious that she had just given birth and her family forgot to bring warm clothes or food and she did not looked amused for not being treated well. The nurse was trying to help her feed the newborn. In the next few moments, her in-laws leave in a hurry to find some food for her, the nurse left to attend to another birth, and the people around dispersed to listen in on the noise coming from the labour room. That was then I found myself alone with her. I didn’t know what to say to her so I started with the obvious ice breaker:

What is your name?

Gyani. I have gone to school till grade seven.

How old are you?

17 (I can never guess age)

Where is your husband ? Didn’t he come to the hospital ? (I stopped myself from going into feminist mode)

He lives two hours away from here, works as a driver.

Does he know you're here?

She nods a painful no

Do you know his number?

She quickly counted his number in Nepali and I struggled with writing down the Nepali digits spoken in her pretty accent.

Do you want to talk to him?

She nods a smile.

Then, I shuffle through my confused rucksack for my mobile phone. I quickly dial the number and wait ...finally the phone goes through. Getting through the NTC mobile quagmire on first try is the real luck. Even NTC relents when there is good news. She, in a muted but pleased tone asks me to talk to her husband. "Tell him to come home," she says.

Kina? Laj lagcha? (Why? Are you shy), I ask.

She holds her breath holding on to here baby boy while the phone is nursed in between my hand and my ears.

Ram Kumar dai, I am calling from the health post. Your wife just had a baby here. You have a baby boy now.

A long pause followed my announcement and it ended with an “ho ra” (oh, really) in a pleased tone.

I held the phone to her ears and told her to speak. Then she mutters something lovely in Tharu to her husband which probably meant "come home soon" jasari bhayepani (however you can!

That was one of the happiest moments of my life this year.

As I tried to make note of the good, the bad and the ugly this year, I realized my 2009 has been a year of stories, of people in my life who came unannounced and some who left unannounced. This year, next to an insignificant looking wooden door I stumbled upon a life long story which I realized I want to tell for the rest of my life as I imagined a little halo over Gyani and her little baby boy!

Photography by Sanjana Shrestha

The Strangeness of it All by Sujana Upadhyay, Contributing Editor

2009 for me began with starting to find my feet, though still cold, in the strange land I had landed myself in. After years of wanting to be left alone, of wanting to get away and doing my own thing, never really knowing what that thing really was, I woke up to 2009 realising my wish was now reality. That the time had come to pay my own bills, cook my own food, keep myself warm and safe. And sane. And loved. So 2009 was mostly about me. But it was also about making friends with strangers and being a friend to them. And laughing at the weirdness of the foreign land, and learning to embrace it with little awkwardness. And identifying more of me in others, and realising that I do really meet myself wherever I go, however vain it may sound. And after all of the living and loving, the year was much about friends, and the trips together, and being a student. Again.

Together with unexpected travel plans that materialised, the year turned out to be the one in which I acknowledged the possibilities ahead of me. And also the year in which I did not keep to most of my commitments, for I was too busy living on my own, doing my own thing, But it also proved to be the one in which I made up for it (well, most of it), reinstalling the trust that I needed in myself. A year in which I missed the familiarity of food cooked nepali food the most – so much so that it prompted a friend to tell me it was karma biting me back for skipping all the meals while at home. And a year of impulsively deciding to go back home for Dashain and being sceptical about it all the while, but loving it from the minute I was midst the chaos at the airport. And by the end realising that not following the rules, the way they are meant to, is not going to make me any less of a daughter. And finally, and most amazingly, the year was about meeting people. Here. There. When least expected. And making a connection of a lifetime. Sometimes within in a few minutes.

And at the end, it was about struggling to write a year-end memoir, and finding it strange to have to sum it up in a few paragraphs, all the joys and tears. A particularly challenging task when for most of the year I have failed to live by the clock, the challenge therefore being identifying when it started and when it came to an end. But the fact remains that it has been one heck of a year. And although it was mostly about me, I had my share of agony over the lack of seemingly everything back home, about the security of my family, about the romantic status of friends, among other things, and contemplating back now, I think the year was also about preparing myself to face them better. To have more faith, and cherish the moment I found myself in. Through all the emotions and dramas in life.

Here is wishing to more. Bring it on 2010!

Choices by Yuko Maskay, Managing Editor

This year was something. We launched our web magazine, something that was in our minds, just a flicker of an idea, two years of brewin' and finally we launched. And when we did in February, we had load shedding of up to 16 hours a day, but we managed. Many told us that we would not be able to sustain a web magazine that had absolutely no advertisers or a paid team, but we did. When asked what I do here in Nepal, and upon hearing about my web magazine, many looked perplexed, "So, are you making any money out of it?" When I say, "No," the conversation diverted to something else, something that would ease the discomfort caused by such a distressful answer. "No!?" And then in their minds, a silent whisper, dare do they ask, "Then why the hell are you doing it?"

I do it because it's what I love. I do it because it's fun. I do it because it's a lot of hard work but it pays (emotionally). I do it because I believe in it. I do it because I can. I do it because everybody has a story. I do it because people deserve to be heard. I do it because alternative journalism is the only true journalism. Because I want to make a difference. Because freedom means speaking your mind. Because I love my team. I do it because, just because.

Then I realize how fortunate I am and how this country has taught me so much. How I wish that one day I can give back. How my years abroad seem like a faint dream now. How I never realized what a good life I've had until I moved here, where I am surrounded by poverty and hardship, where even the basic needs are not met, where people live with so little, where people don't complain because they are struggling to even make ends meet. I reflect back at my life abroad and see what a spoiled brat I was. Never truly happy, always wanting more, looking for more, never satisfied, a big, gaping hole that I cannot fill no matter what. And then here, I'm happy.

Why?

No, it's not even about the magazine, it's more than that. I've realized that happiness is a choice. It's an illusion to think that happiness comes from things outside of yourself. Because I've seen many here, villagers living in dire conditions and still have the capacity to smile. People here seem content with very little while in the states, most seem so dissatisfied despite having everything. I mean when westerners are complaining about the hike in fuel prices, here we can't even get fuel after waiting in long lines. Remember when we had acute water shortage; I'm talking about middle/upper class families who didn't have water to drink. And, because of the hike in gas prices, transportation fees have almost doubled making it almost impossible for the average Nepali to afford public transportation. People were riding on rooftops and sides of buses because there were hardly any transportation available. The gas shortage even trickled down to creating a health hazard.The streets were filled with rotten garbage for weeks. Many became ill from it. Students couldn't go to school, job holders walked for miles to work and the country literally shut down.

Despite all these disturbances, all this chaos, frustrations, riots, not knowing if I can get out of the house tomorrow, load shedding, fuel shortage, feelings of helplessness, water problems, pollution, corruption, lawlessness, lack of proper infrastructure, not having internet for days, I'm happy. Because now when I complain, I can't anymore. I am mute. Numb. I have it so much better. How dare I complain? In newspapers, television, and even my own neighborhood, from talking to others, I see and hear about suffering. When I am on the road, I see children begging, mothers pleading, disabled walking with their hands, street children sniffing, people scavenging garbage, homeless in slums...and I realize it's my responsibility to do something. Because I can.

The magazine is just that. It's what I can do. It's just a little something. An attempt at showing the world what Nepal is all about. Its beauty, its people, its chaos, its stories. Because one story can make a difference. I have met amazing people through V.E.N.T!, all out to make Nepal a better place. And, we'll continue to present them to you, our readers. Because one life counts. No matter whose, regardless of caste, creed, or culture. If our stories can inspire one person, we have succeeded. Yeah, we don't' make money out of it, but we love what we do. And I have realized the most crucial thing about life here, in one of the poorest countires in the world:

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be (Abraham Lincoln).

This may seem like a musings of a foreign-bred Nepali who doesn't know what she's talking about. Maybe it is. But that's not the point. The point is, we all have something to say. We all have a story. We're all significant (and insignificant), in one way or the other. We all have something to contribute, small or big. Happiness is a choice. Doing what you love is a choice. Trying to make a difference is a choice. And if you've been given the luxury of doing what you love, the only way to live your life is to give back. That's what our magazine is about. Each member of our team despite their school or full-time jobs has made a choice to give back, by volunteering, by telling the stories that need to be told. Yeah, it's a choice. So, if you've been holding off on doing something you're always wanted to do, the time do it is now regardless of where you are. You have a choice.

We thank everyone who has been featured on V.E.N.T! for telling their stories and all our readers for supporting us. We wish you a very Happy Holiday and an Awesome New Year! (Don't drive drunk or let your friends drive drunk - yeah, even that's a choice!)

Something Like Water by Ayushma Regmi, Poems Editor

Writing about the new year is difficult not only because writing in general is difficult for me, but more so because only I can be so unreasonably stubborn. I guess I have issues with boundaries. And to actually try to create a boundary that separates one year (I still haven't been able to figure out what that means) from another seems almost insane an idea to me. It is an extension of the aversion I have to boundaries that come with birthdays. Like, what makes you 21 years old suddenly. Not to mention national boundaries, like why does it suddenly stops being part of Nepal at one point and start being India? And if I may take it further, where does the Pacific ocean end and the Indian ocean begin? All oceans are made of water, and water just flows.

Trying to weave metaphors for time out of water reminds me of a beautiful poem by Kabir:

I have been thinking of the difference between water
and the waves on it. Rising,
water's still water, falling back,
it is water, will you give me a hint
how to tell them apart?

Because someone has made up the word
"wave," do I have to distinguish it from water?

There is a Secret One inside us;
the planets in all the galaxies
pass through his hands like beads.

That is a string of beads one should look at with luminous eyes.

Someone has made up the world "year". But it's difficult for me to tell one year apart from another. I find myself asking whether it is really necessary to acknowledge this boundary at all, to distinguish them as two years. Whatever 2009 has been will seep into the next year; the old will walk all over the new, leaving familiar paw prints everywhere with the flipping of the new calendar. For time too will flow. And spill. And gush. And gurgle. And I find myself somewhere in the midst of it. So the most I can seek to do is to look at this transparent, fluid, continuous living being called life with luminous eyes.

Photography by Kushal Regmi

Wrapping Up 2009 by Khushbu Agrawal, Reporter/Editor

It’s the night of Christmas. My best friend Abha has come back from the States. I just spent a good four hours catching up with her and here I am writing this- my reminiscences 2009. But just this afternoon I was shouting my head off at this guy at the motorbike workshop who didn’t fix my scooty too well. And before that I was cross with my cousin for stepping on my brand new shoes which I had left near the door. I, like some people, luckily, have STML (short term memory loss) and at this moment have no grudges against the guy at the workshop or my cousin with dirty shoes. I am at ease now, with a belly full of good food and good conversation at Abha’s and furthermore, isn’t Christmas all about forgiving and forgetting?

But that’s what life is meant to be. You have your highs and your lows. I think it was the very famous writer, artist and thinker Bal Krishna Saama who said, “Swarga ma sukha chhaina karan tyaha dukha chhaina”. A crude translation to that would be- “there is no happiness in heaven because there is no sadness.” I guess that’s the reason why we have sadness around us – to balance the happiness.

For all Nepalese, 2009 was a year of struggle, and yet a year of learning. We understood the values of things which otherwise we had taken for granted. Load- shedding made us realize how important electricity is. Hours of being in the queue made us think how precious petroleum is. Lawlessness made us realize the importance of discipline. Yes, we saw a lot this year and we went through a lot this year. Experience is a good school, they say, but the fees are high. And how I wish we were good learners!

So how was my life in 2009? Let me not talk about the political unrest now. I will not talk any more about the fuel shortage. I will not talk about the garbage problem. And I will not talk about Kentucky Fried Chicken. I will talk about me because this is supposed to be all about me.

Life was good this year, not full of achievements, but full of satisfactions. My beautiful sister got engaged to a very nice man and she became the second one in the family to receive two national awards. My parents are happy and healthy, and my brother is studying well. My two lovely nieces give me more reasons to smile.

The World Pulse Voices of the Future program was a unique experience, and has given me the hope of a bright future for all. It has brought in me a change that is positive, and transformation that words fail to describe. Working with the V.E.N.T! team has been amazing. I now know that we can revolt in our own ways, through our words, and bring a change, peacefully. I have tried to be a nice person, and hope that I have contributed to my society and my country in my own small ways.

Amidst all of this, there have been times when I have questioned myself, my dreams, and my capabilities. I have been scared to actually get answers, fearful of what they are. There have been difficult times, and there have been times where I reached the brink of extreme frustration. I could go on with my woes, but strangely and beautifully, I can’t! I mean I literally can’t. I feel happy, I feel loved, and I feel content.

I have grown as an individual this year. I have learnt so much. I have learnt that as a Nepalese, I can handle anything and everything. I have learnt to appreciate what I have. I have learnt to forgive and forget. I have learnt to embrace life as it comes. I am grateful for experiencing the highs and the lows because in it all, I have learnt.

It’s the night of Christmas, almost the end of the year and these are my reminiscences 2009. “All is well that ends well.”
 

Feelings of 2009 by Shreyans Tamang, Photo/Film Editor

I lay, pretend to sleep. Slowly, darkness befriends me. Cold air crawls its way through the veins and into the heart. Chills fire through the body like electric pulses. Numbness has feelings of its own. Death tries to seduce me, tears wait to explode. Insomnia has a definition. Every breath fills with contempt, drifting me away to nothingness.

Morning sunlight caresses my eyes. Faint voices echo below. I gaze into the empty wall. Remorse and guilt dances within. Time freezes or goes away so quickly. I try to find a meaning of everything…a meaning of nothing. Truth and lies are, in fact, personal opinions. I walk out of my cold room to face the sunlight. Then I hear my heart beat...

Photography by Shreyans Tamang