Articles
Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?
Although we encountered this question as a query in our sex column, Let's Talk About Sex!, it's a question that must have passed through all our minds more than once. Without research or facts to back what we say, we'd like to say that love is perhaps the topic most written about in literature, most enacted in films, most contemplated in the mind, and most practiced in life. With the added dimension this question brings, love seems to become all the more tantalizing even as it scandalizes.
It was much too delicious a question to ignore. Here's what some of us at V.E.N.T! had to say.
Yes, it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. I think it would be great if the two person also know that you are in love with both of them. And it's not a deliberate attempt to cheat on one or the other. Sometimes, that's just how things work out. The test would be to 'stay' in love with both of them.
- Sanjana
Is it possible to cross the river with each foot going a seperate way?
- Rishi
It is possible to love two people when the love is with a mother and father, brother and sister, two friends, two teachers, but not two "boyfriends" or "girlfriends" at the same time. He or she loves the two different personas of these two people but does not love either of the individual. Sad but true!
- Khushbu
I think that it is very possible to be in love with two people at the same time. And I'm not even talking about familial love, I'm talking about love for someone of the opposite (or the same) sex, love that often starts out as lust and infatuation but spirals into something much more elusive. Maybe society has conditioned us into thinking that love needs to happen between two people only, just like it has conditioned us into thinking marriage is necessary for love. There are cultures where men take multiple wives, and often times love them all. There are also other cultures where women take multiple husbands (these are rarer) and I'm sure there are instances where they love them all.
If you argue from the biological point of view, that we are monogamous creatures by nature, then previously we thought that there were only two sexes, what happened to that viewpoint? Cultures change, societies change and humans change. Maybe being in love with two people sounds strange and betrays the very idea that there is supposed to be "the one" for everyone out there. But this you are fed, from birth and by society that there is 'one' who will complement you. The idea of the "one" is a very western concept. The ancient Greeks thought that long ago, all humans had both sexes, four arms, four legs, four eyes, basically a double of everything (Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium). These menwomen had the audacity to oppose the gods so in anger, the gods split them into two. Thus, humans became men and women and that's why we are always searching for our opposite, our other half, which is the "one."
If you argue from the biological point of view, that we are monogamous creatures by nature, then previously we thought that there were only two sexes, what happened to that viewpoint? Cultures change, societies change and humans change. Maybe being in love with two people sounds strange and betrays the very idea that there is supposed to be "the one" for everyone out there. But this you are fed, from birth and by society that there is 'one' who will complement you. The idea of the "one" is a very western concept. The ancient Greeks thought that long ago, all humans had both sexes, four arms, four legs, four eyes, basically a double of everything (Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium). These menwomen had the audacity to oppose the gods so in anger, the gods split them into two. Thus, humans became men and women and that's why we are always searching for our opposite, our other half, which is the "one." Eastern religions, especially Hinduism, presents a much different view of marriage and love. Often, love is not just limited to one person, but is much more complex than that. While Ram might have been strictly monogamous, Raven, as wise and clever as he was, was polygamous. Krishna is notorious for being polygamous. The Pandavs are polyandrous; Draupadi has five husbands.
I don't know how serious the Greeks were (Plato dismisses it) and anything can be read into religion, whether it be Hinduism or anything else. But what it comes down to is this: that we all make our own choices. Society may tell us one thing but it should not dictate how we feel. Society condemns homosexuality, it used to (to an extent, still does) condemn the remarriage of widows, but that doesn't make it right. If you feel yourself falling in love with two people, then you probably are. It is entirely possible. Why not? Does society really get to tell you how many people you should love? I've been in love with more than one person at the same time. Some people might say that it wasn't love, but then tell me exactly what love is? Who are they to tell me what is love and what isn't? Love is subjective. It is as elusive as air, as snow, as faith. You decide.
- Pranaya
This dilemma has not only affected you but also the famous 30 ROCK actor, Alec Balwin (Jack Donaghy) in the Season Four finale where he believes that he loves two incredible women at the same time and does not want to let go of either of them. The battle within his conscience while he dates both of them simultaneously crushes him and forces him to decide on committing to only one. So when you ask me "Can I fall in love with two people?" I'd say yes, you can! But are you ready for the guilt-ride with a bold 'guilt' that you will go through because clearly you can fall in love with two people but can they share their love with you and your other lover? I think it is definitely not about falling in love but committing to it. Jack Donaghy put up a hell of a fight for both the women and I completely get the fact that "you can never have enough of love" but the fact that a guy like Jack settled for one love definitely convinces me that love is all about commitment not number.
- Dipti
I am always in love with at least two people at any given time. I am also always in lust with at least two people at any given time. It isn't very often that the people that I am in love with are also the people I am in lust with. So, the real question is - can you be in love with two people that you are also in lust with?
I say, yes. It is definitely possible to fall in love with someone, lust over them, then fall in love with another one, and lust over them as well. Or you can start out by lusting over them and eventually fall in love. Whatever the path of progression, love can happen, more than once, simultaneously. The strange thing about love is that it doesn't seem to follow paths or formulas. And in creating its own path as it grows, there's no guaranteeing that something earlier anticipated as friendship or infatuation can eventually turn into lust or love.
Now, the next real question is - can you accommodate both loves? An easy answer is, if there is love between your two lovers, then it might be fairly easy. If there isn't, then jealousy will rear its ugly head and haunt your relationship. It will be impossible to stay together with two people if all three aren't a couple - or what would it be called, with three people in a relationship?
The next real question is - can society accommodate both loves? Usually not. If society finds out that you are happily in love with two people at the same time, it will piss all over you, throw heavy concepts like morality, conscience, sin, betrayal, etc., etc. until you eventually give up, stick with just one for the rest of your life. To put it simply, love is usually the combination of the heart and the genitals, but society shoves the mind into the picture. To put it even more simply, love is fairly simple as it starts, but gets increasingly complicated as it progresses. If you find your happiness with multiple lovers, all smelling like society's piss, but without giving a damn, then know that you are special and that I look up to you.
The truly real question, actually, is - what happens when you fall in love with two people at once? If you choose to love them both, it is a big risk you are taking. Because while you have both for now, you have to face up to the possibility of eventually having nobody. You will have to settle down to the possibility of being alone in the long run. Sometimes 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. The only real question, then, is - are you ready for that?
- Ayushma
If I could say something here with the immense experience I have in these matters. I must say, without exaggeration, these are words of a very wise man.
Love. It's not an easy thing to define, obviously. But there are perhaps some fundamentals:
1. mutuality
2. unquestioned, unnecessary smiles and smirks
3. lightness
4. physical attraction
5. jumping in the rain when you think you are alone (its true!)
6. conversations
7. comfortable silence
8. knowing
9. the feeling of goodness, the feeling of love.
There are, indeed, many more. To think that all these things could happen with two people at the same time, even at different times, I think is pretty far fetched. It could happen when the different parties being loved are mutually exclusive, like cousins, friends and family (excluding the fourth point, of course, and also perhaps the fifth) but I don't think it will apply in the case of a lover and a lover and another lover. In the end, all I know is this, and maybe it is too little. Love is a question in itself and an answer to itself. Viola!
Hmm...Maybe I'm not that wise after all...
- Aayush
( Sep 7th 2010, 01:03 PM ) says:
Love is one and cannot be counted in any other numbers thats why its possible to fall in love with as many people at the same time. At one time I was in love with five people at the same time and was lusting for them too. It was an intense experience and as i was getting love from so many people, the whole experience was so nourishing it made me come to my best. Of course, it was all a secret. But then that makes me think, what would happen if all of them were in the same room. Would there be something like loving someone more and someone less? Would that be love anymore then, because in love there is no judgement of who stands on the top rung. I think in my case if all of them were in the same room i would only be in love with one person at one time, and again when i am with the other person i would be in love with that person only. So there is a need to understand that Love is a strong incidental phenomenon that exists in the moment and not a condition, label or a phase. So the question should be more like, "Despite of being in love with one person are we capable of loving someone else also at the same time? Well, we are not only capable but all our hearts are gifted with this terrific ability. And it is only a well kept secret that all of us at sometime have experienced love for two or more people at the same time. Its just that some of us are open enough to accept it while some of are so unconsciously conditioned that we lean upon the shoulders of soical norms, fundamentals, theories of the heart to convince ourselves that we are not going astray, that the heart should not be allowed so much of freedom.
Love is intensity, magic and highly subjective. It is a funny enzyme secreted by the heart that can not be understood by the mind at all. When the mind tries to understand the heart, it either satisfies itself with horrible logics, theories and figures or if its honest enough goes confused and crazy. And when the heart tries to meet the mind, its just dies.
( Sep 7th 2010, 08:09 PM ) says:
liked ayushmaz version of 1+1+1=1 think...totally creative!!
( Sep 8th 2010, 12:18 PM ) says:
In paper it all sounds good, but in life, when you are in the receiving end of this 'two or more' love deal, it is not very nice.
( Sep 8th 2010, 05:02 PM ) says:
when lies come in the picture, too many love can get very complicated and you end up hurting and getting hurt. may be in utopia it works.
( Sep 9th 2010, 09:40 PM ) says:
I agree with Khushbu- if you are in love with two people at the same time, you love both their persona but neither of the individuals.
Here's a very personal recent story. I loved a guy for five years, was never with him, and moved on last year. Three months after I got over him, I met another guy, fell in love, and have been with him ever since. A week or two ago, I was having a misunderstanding with my boyfriend when I saw five-year-guy's picture. The next day, five-year guy called me. I started thinking about whether I still loved this guy, whether my current boyfriend is "second choice" and about "happiness".
Less than two weeks later, I have decided that I have a soft-spot for five-year-guy and I still really admire him (his persona, like Khushbu said). But no, I do not love him.
Like Aayushma said, it could work out if your two lovers were also in love with each other, but how often does that happen anyways?
( Sep 9th 2010, 09:54 PM ) says:
Just as Jack had to ultimately choose a partner(after she got pregnant), people 'will' have to make choices at some time. Everything else is dilly-dallying making adult decisions until the point... It's like a child in a candy shop--you want all of 'em, you think you can have all of 'em, but after the fourth or fifth bar you realise it was very stupid of you have to have thought so, and by the seventh bar, you never ever ever want to see another chocolate again... and then you get sick...
Relationships are exactly like that, except there are people instead of candy bars, and the chocolate shop is all around you...
( Sep 10th 2010, 12:48 AM ) says:
In the comments above multiple issues or concepts came up! 'Can I be in love with two persons' is distinctly understood as meant to be 'persons having potentials of sexual contact’? This makes us easier to move ahead to find ‘not a easily available answer’ as we don't confuse ourselves with familial, friendly and devotional relationship.
A commentator, viz. Ayushma, separated 'can I be in love with two person?' is separated from 'can I be in lust with two person?' Excellent! If love and lust is separated, it is easier to converse. In modern times, love and lust is not separated that easily. They are quite mixed. If I am in love with someone I want to have sex and enjoy all pleasures. If I am in lust with someone, again I want sexual contact. I have not understood and have not found anyone in my friend circle to make me understand the wisdom of 'separating these two distinct feeling/state of mind'. I have been hearing a wise statement that 'love comes from heart and sex come from head'. For me this is an abstract. At least I cannot understand. We can diagnose this further.
If love is separated from lust, what remains- a feeling, a craze, a liking, a crave for being together, an association, but all of them is not sexual. ( it is perfectly okay to have such feeling for two or more than them.) Society and Morality doesn’t see your mind, perfectly okay to have this feeling.
If I am in lust with someone, the primary seems to be physical attraction. To put it in simple words, I want to play with your body and have sex. It is great if the interaction converts into a love. But there is a high risk. In lust, we perhaps don't commit ourselves into a longer relationship. It may grow but we don’t commit in the beginning.
If I am in infatuation with someone, I like the person and attracted to, perhaps to the sexual context as well. The word –infatuation- itself says that it remains for short time and go away. Infatuation brings enormous hormonal changes for some time and gradually it goes away. In infatuation, I possess great feeling of lust and love but it will not remain for long.
If we put everything in a axis, infatuation remains on the lowest part, lust remains in the mid somewhere and on the top is love, relatively unshakable.
It is very natural to be infatuated and to like someone. The moment you feel infatuated perhaps you don't remember that you are in a committed relationship or married or with children. Infatuation is often followed by an awareness of our own situation. This awareness help us to shape a way what we want in life.
The feeling of lust is little deep. It reoccurs and it becomes difficult to get away with. For single, it is affordable to try their luck, this is their individual choice. If you are not single or in a committed relationship, absolute feeling of lust to the other person carries a potent risk of breaking up of your previous relationship.
If love is only a feeling and can be separated with lust, then there is not much a problem of loving two persons at a same time. There is no expectation, no hope, no communication but simple a wish, which only be talked about among confidants. But love also requires action. We like to text, phone, meet, and grow friendship (initially), then the attention is divided and immediately we enter into managing two relationships. Managing two, when they are not open and acceptable to each other, will be impossible after a while.
But often, if you are in love with one person in a real sense, then you don’t fall in love with the other person at the same time. You want to put your full energy in one relationship. You don’t do follow up calls or secret meetings with other person if you are already in love. Often the instances are different. If you are married and not in love, or your love gone away long ago and you are looking for new love then there is higher chance that you fall in love with other person. Often people forget that they don’t have love in their past relationship. Often lust and infatuation are mistaken as love. Also, we want to take a break and short exit from a tiring past relationship, thinking an elusive state of perfect match.
The question of affordability regulates our triangular relationship of infatuation, lust and love. Mostly when we are in a relationship with one, sneaking out with another is considered immoral and socially unacceptable and forms the basis of ending the previous relationship. Hence most of our strong sense of lust and love dies over time and we continue our previous life. This seems much healthier too. Nevertheless people have an opportunity to take a risk of finding new love in life but one has to forego the previous one.
( Sep 10th 2010, 01:51 AM ) says:
"but one has to forego the previous one". Someone should have told the lying - cheating boyfriend that. when i was cheated on i didn't feel like dancing with joy that the then boyfriend, now fortunately ex had decided to love someone else too...i think love is an all consuming feeling, its intense and it demanding and putting that kind of effort in two or more individuals is beyond human.
Agree with Ayush (the last writer in the series) that "To think that all these things could happen with two people at the same time, even at different times, I think is pretty far fetched."
( Sep 10th 2010, 04:47 AM ) says:
How can i say no? i was through form such condition once upon a time yar! Really it is possible.
( Sep 11th 2010, 03:06 PM ) says:
wow, you guyz rock. I've been asking myself the same question the other day and here we go. thank u so much and love u all. hehehe. I'll go with Sanjana di wiht this one. Yup, I think falling in love with 2 ppl at the same time is possible.
( Sep 13th 2010, 09:47 PM ) says:
I am not yet sure but once I was dating two girls at same time. I was conscious that it 'may be' wrong but I could not stop myself. I found both of them are lovable to me. Two were different but I wanted to be with them both. I am not sure now that whether I had sexual contact with both at a same day or week or not but I knew then that I could not live only with one of them. Emotionally I needed both of them around me. When this facts was known to them, both of them slapped me and walked away... I still don't understand why I did this. So, I think it is possible to be at love with two people at the same time.
( Nov 6th 2010, 01:44 PM ) says:
I think you can have strong overwhelming feelings of love for more than one person at a time but this is not really being "In Love". Being "In Love" is about having trust and respect and honoring the person you are with. If you are lying to one lover in order to be with another... well to me this is not showing love.
As said above, if all three lovers are aware of the situation and happily involved then yes it could be possible to love tow at once but i have never been in a situation were two of the men i feel love for also love each other and i am sure most men would not be interested in such an arrangement.
I know from experience that when we try to convince ourself it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time we are really just being greedy and selfish. We don't want to choose so in the end we end up stealing love from all three involved.
If there are three people out there honestly loving each other in an open and happy relationship I'd love to hear about it and have my opinions proven wrong.
( Dec 26th 2010, 11:23 AM ) says:
I agree that one can fall in love with two people at the same time, like Ayushma di said not the love for your family or friends..love as in love for your girlfriend or boyfriend. I have gone through the situation and that is what is coming out. Unfortunately or fortunately I fell in love with two people at the same time. I knew it was love..
Like everyone else I always thought this is bullshit, how can one love two people. Yet it happened! Its another beautiful feeling in the world but maybe the most painful one as well for you have to go for one of them or none of them or either of them. Every option hurts you. But the core thing is love is something we'll never know. We might fall in love with more than one person at a time! :)
( Feb 1st 2011, 08:34 PM ) says:
I am not sure whether you call it 'loving two persons at same time' or not . In my highschool days, i fell in love with a girl. Gradually she became my pain, my laugh, my complains, my rejoice and my unrequited love.i ended up accepting her as FRIEND ONLY along with her boyfriend- one who she had chosen over me. Now time passed, i was talking to her , still. And in the way i begun talking with another girl and gradually i was sure i was in love with this girl. But often i would be feeling crap remembering the previous girl, would go into hours of 'eyes closed, heavy heart thoughts' regarding her, would even cry .Still, on the other hand craving to meet and see new girl who had stepped in to my life. Apart from those times when i used to have hits of my old girl, i used to think about this new girl. I was talking to both of them and felt love for both. Thats pretty much all of it. And i would like to add that i didnot get new girl too. Got rejected by her too. Pretty sucking love tale.
( Feb 25th 2011, 01:14 PM ) says:
being in love with two people sucks .
:(
( Aug 7th 2011, 09:45 PM ) says:
One healthy person can love more then two person at a time.
Yeah, definitely.In love everything is possible. That's why it is possible to be in love with two or more than two people in the same time. No matter what type of love is that...