A Poet's Contemporary Guide to Greatness

Want to be a poet? Feel like poetry flows in your veins, but is stuck there only? Well, here is the accident you have always been looking for: Self-proclaimed master poet Aayush Non-Believer-In-General, "Pain" (TM) has some simple steps that will gush out so much of the very last drop of poeticity (TM) from your body, it will put a half-cut man to shame. Excerpts below:

Appearance

1. Appearing serious:

Appearing serious is important for any writer in general, but for poets, it is like salt in badly cooked vegetable. You need (notice the bold lettering, and thus an added emphasis) it like a man in desert would need water or the water would need some filtering. There are a few ways of going about it, but the essential ingredient of it all remains the facial expression and the tilt of your head. Always keep your head tilted up at an awkward angle so that people can see that everything you see must have high value, ensuring great seriousness in your part. Also, do not forget to maintain a frown at all times. Let people know that you are thinking deep thoughts, that you are going into the very depth of the matter and even if you are talking about the lack of sugar in tea, you have to make them believe you are thinking about the lack of sugar in LIFE in general. Talk very slowly, stroke your beard as you do so (never scratch though, not cool). And with this combination of deep thought face, tilted head and slow talk and the beard stroking you are serious enough to become a poet. Practice this in front of the mirror everyday and repeat to yourself: I have oozed out of the earth with rhymes in my heart, the world is my target and my poems are my dart. 

2. Laughing at inappropriate places:

The only place a poet should laugh is where it's inappropriate. It might be a serious discussion on reducing poverty or helping street kids by letting blue balloons fly in the air. Or it might be a simple poetry reading session, where a poet will laugh at the most tragic moment of a rival poet's reading. The laugh, however, is tricky. To appear more intelligent than others, a poet 's laugh  should either be a suppressed squeal that says you don't approve, or a booming, thudding, roaring laughter to let people know you have understood more than they have, or that you don't approve of it, and are showing it in an exaggerated-symbolic way. One should also be careful about the after-laugh situation. Say for example you chuckled at the most intense moment of a poet's reading when he is describing the death of a lover after ten years of excruciating pain, when people look at you with curiosity or frown, continue smirking and look at each and every person and nod slightly (while continuing to smirk) as if  everybody shares the same joke.  This will not only prove you an eccentric  poet, but will also completely shatter your rival's confidence. Practice the different forms of laughter everyday in the mirror and repeat to yourself: I have never haha'ed at your joke my friend, and never will I. It is preserved for times when either people cry or when people sigh.    

For more of Aayush's tips and suggestions, wait for his forthcoming book, A Poet's Contemporary Guide to Greatness where he will be answering such pressing questions as, "How does a poet avoid the sad realities of his/her life with philosophical jargon?" and "Should poets use Facebook?". He can be contacted at aayush@ventzine.com. V.E.N.T! Magazine, he says, "brought back many things to his life and where he found some truly insane".