R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!

I had a hell of a time explaining the protocol of addressing someone a "dai" or a "didi" to an American friend of mine. Looking back at our conversation,  her confusion seems justified. Calling someone dai or didi is no light matter; it defines the relationship you will share with the person. Regardless of how informal you get, the fact that someone is the dai/didi gives him/her more authority in the relationship. It’s never just a word. The word comes with a lot of preset notions about respect and attitude and shapes how the addressee and the addressor view each other. These notorious suffixes are known to define relations and end many potential love stories. It’s a simple question that requires an examination of the very fabric of our society.

The most important determining factor in this mystery of suffixes seems to be age. Anyone who is older gets the prestigious honor being a dai or a didi. Any family member who happens to be born before you is a dai or a didi, unless of course the person (voluntarily) gives you the exclusive permission not to call him/her so. The same protocol, more or less, is followed with a stranger. However, there is a catch. If the stranger happens to be significantly older than you than the suffix of dai or didi is not used. It makes no sense to call a stranger my grandfather's age dai or didi. The addresser is then given discretionary power then to decide what exactly to call them. But making the decision to use the dai or didi suffix is not a light one for that one decision might decide a lot of issues before they even arise. And although age might seem like the only factor,  the issue is a little more complex.

To further complicate the issue, grade/class in school is also a factor. If I am in a higher grade, I will most likely be called a dai by someone in a lower grade as it assumes that I am older in age. But what if I am not? Let’s say I was born in December of 1987 and you were born in the July of 1988; clearly I am older than you and you should be calling me dai. But what if you are a grade higher than me in school or a year higher than me in college? Yes, if we are close friends than I probably won’t call you dai but what if we are mere acquaintances than who calls whom dai?

And what happens when it comes to questions of the heart? Is it ok to flirt with a girl or guy who calls you dai or didi respectively (provided,  of course, that you aren’t related). If a guy calls a girl didi (or the converse, 'baini') the first time they meet, does it end the poor guy’s chances (there’s a personal sob story here but not entirely germane to the issue at hand)? What is the protocol? If there is one, what is it, or are we just making this up as we go along?

This culture of giving your elders respect is very unique and something we all must cherish. Personally, I do appreciate this system of giving and getting respect. The idea of calling a stranger an elder brother or sister helps to build bonds and bridge gaps. However on the flip side,  there are instances when undue and unfair advantage is taken because someone happens to be a dai or a didi. In this haste to give and get respect, we have to pardon or even remain silent at the most erroneous of mistakes or acts of plain idiocy on the part of the “respected” person. Because respect is given such importance in our society, we have been brought up to think that if we correct the mistake of someone elder to us, we risk offending them. Last year, members of the Nepalese student association in my university refused to run for election against me simply because I was a senior and they were afraid I would feel disrespected. I know this sounds a bit ridiculous but it has happened to all of us. Being a senior does not automatically make you right and hand you a do-what-you-want pass. Don’t get me wrong, respecting someone a year or two or even 10 years older is because of the assumption that someone older is wiser and deserves the respect. If this seems to be so, then go ahead, by all means claim the respect you deserve, but respect should be earned and not handed.     

I believe in giving respect to those who deserve it, and I am guessing that was the original intention behind the suffixes. So bhai and baini and dai and didi, do give it a thought.