Issue 9
Issue 9
28 November, 2010
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Dear 22 and Contemplating about Porn,
That is such a loaded question is it not? I was just transported back to my teens where I was confused whether to express my interest in porn as negative or positive. I understand how in our society, you will get a lot of raised eyebrows if you ask this question in public, so thanks for asking it here. Watching porn is definitely not bad. In fact, it can be a great medium for you to learn about sex and I would say it is perfectly healthy for you to fulfill all kinds of curiosities through it. As with anything else, overindulging in porn and getting so hooked to it that it dictates your everyday life can turn into a problem. Watching a lot of pornography can also lead to having unreasonable expectations from your sexual partner which might contribute to unhappiness. Like everything else in life i.e. butter, salt, sugar, alcohol; porn in moderation is good thing!
If I may add a little bit of complexity to your question, let me move on to more ethical issues surrounding pornography. Pornography itself is not illegal. In fact, it's a multi-billion dollar industry in the US with respectable actors involved in the profession. These are adults who have consciously made a decision to participate in the film. However, there can be cases where porn is also created without the consent of those involved. There is a lot of child pornography floating on the internet that has been created without the awareness of the children involved and that is definitely illegal. In addition to this, there was a recent concern over porn actors acquiring HIV AIDS in the process of filming, where filming is usually done without condoms in order to make scenes look more authentic. So this throws another ethical responsibility on us – do we want to actively engage in something that is causing harm to others? You might want to think about that.
Finally, I'd like to say - don't feel guilty if you like pornography but, at the same time, try and be aware of what goes into creating the porn you are enjoying.
Dear Naked in front of the Mirror,
The first step in improving your self image is to acknowledge it so know that you're already on your way to a better self image. You are definitely not alone. A majority of girls go through this at some point in their lives. Media has a lot to do with this unhealthy obsession with our bodies. Turn on your TV and you will find a skinny, "beautiful" girl playing a role or flip to an ad in a magazine and you are bound to notice the same. Although this type of image bombardment is more common in western cultures, Nepal is slowly gaining momentum and we find that many girls find their bodies unacceptable or not up to par.
First ask yourself why you think your body is ugly. Are you comparing yourself to the "acceptable" female body or comparing your body with your friend? We are all unique in that we come in different shapes and sizes, and no one body is superior to the other, although media makes you feel otherwise. Do friends and family make comments about your body? I know that it's common in Nepal to get blunt comments about your weight and this may have been okay at the age of 10, but it may make you overly conscious now. Did you know that in the 18th century, it was beautiful to have a protruded stomach with wide hips? Search for paintings of this generation and you will see that this was considered beautiful. Every generation has its own definition of beauty and I know that one can't help but compare. But where does it end? You can compare yourself to a girlfriend who is naturally thin and always will be that way and copy her diet, or you can try to lose the last 2 kg of body fat, but that's only going to give you temporary happiness.
Besides most decent guys don't really care if you have extra fat in your body, but does it really matter what others think about your body? What's most important is what YOU think about your body. If you are bombarding your mind with negative talk about your body, you are bound to hate your body. I urge you to start by asking yourself if it really matters how you look when you stand naked in front of a mirror. Is it the extra 2 kg on your tummy? Even if you do lose that extra 2 kg, you'll still not be happy with your body because happiness starts from within. I suggest that you start by being good to your body. Your self-esteem has to endure society's definition of a right body image daily so be good to yourself, and you be the one person who gives positive feedback to your body.
Every morning before you start your day, look in the mirror and comfort your body. Tell her how beautiful she is no matter what others may say. Feed it well, give it good rest and most of all think positively, because you become what you think. Before you go to bed at night, write down 5 things about yourself that you like and 5 things that you are grateful for. Remember, that self confidence won't happen overnight. It's a work in progress that you have to work on for as long as you feel you need to. No one can do this for you except yourself and your body will thank you for it. Give it a try for a month and write back to us again. If you're not making progress, that's okay too. Your body will eventually respond if you don't give up.
Dear Is My Girlfriend Controlling her Desire,
You say that your girlfriend is controlling her sexual desire. If you are right, there must be a good reason why she wants to abstain from sex until after marriage. Perhaps she's not ready or she believes that one should have sex only after marriage or like you said, she is controlling her sexual desire. But you wouldn't know that unless you ask her. Then again, if you did ask her and she said she was or she wasn't, it wouldn't matter, would it? She does not want to have sex before marriage. In this day and age, I would give kudos to your girlfriend for sticking to what she believes is right for her. Some girls don't want to have sex before marriage and there is really nothing you can do about that. You seem concerned that she is using toys. Maybe she is, maybe she's not. The only way to find out is by asking her.
But, that said, I don't think her desire to abstain from sex before marriage has anything to do with whether she is using toys or not, or whether she is controlling her desire for sex or not. Does it bother you if she was using toys? What we do behind our own doors is our own business, though, isn't it? The only option you have really is to respect her wishes to abstain from sex before marriage. Besides, it's her body, not yours. If having sex before marriage is so important to you, the only other option is to be with a girl who is okay with having sex before marriage. I would not try to convince your current girlfriend to have sex with you before marriage, though. If she wants to, she'll let you know in time and if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. It's not about whether it's right or wrong to control one's sexual desire. It's about what she wants and you respecting her wishes. The upside to doing is that she'll love you more for it.
Dear Period Taboo,
Yes, women undergo a lot of discrimination during their menstrual periods in Nepalese society and it is considered a taboo for men to even touch women, forget sex, when they are having their periods. I remember how in my own family, my mother used to sleep on the floor or in another room during that time of the month. Also, there is a culture of being called an "untouchable" (nachhune) during this time which bars women from accessing important areas of the household like the kitchen or the puja room. In the urban sphere, things are slowly changing and so are people's reservations related to a woman's periods, but I think it is bold of you to have asked this question and I want to thank you for it. You may be surprised to know that while our traditions discourage sexual intercourse during a woman's periods, sex can be more pleasurable for her because of all the extra lubrication. Sex during periods also helps ease menstrual cramps that many women experience. Having sex during her periods will not pose any health risks but in case you have an STI, it'll be easier for that to get transmitted. So it is always wiser to use a condom!
Societal taboos and health benefits aside, remember that sex is also a private act between you and your partner and that you can pretty much decide on your own rules. But also, each woman has her own preferences and before you want to try having sex with your wife during her periods, make sure you talk to her about it (and tell her of the benefits that we've laid out earlier!) and get her consent. There are women who do not like the idea of trying that out which is perfectly respectable and you might want to find out what your wife feels about it before you decide to go ahead with it.
intercourse , menstruation , periods , taboo
Dear 14 and Been Kissed,
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Most people say that their first kiss was horrible. It only gets better with time and practice. You are pretty young and there is still plenty of time and plenty of opportunities. First of all, boyfriends and girlfriends don't always have to kiss. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't be kissing at all. But try it only when you feel like you want to, or feel ready for it. There are many other ways to get close and be together and do things together. Make sure that you're spending plenty of time with your guy and that you enjoy his company. Try getting to know him and become comfortable with him. Remember that being constantly bombarded by media and television and magazines that are oozing with sexuality can influence how you feel or think. This can lead you to have expectations from yourself that aren't necessarily going to happen. Since you're only 14, you really shouldn't be harsh on yourself for not responding sexually. Remember, even physically, you're still growing, and your sexuality is also still maturing. Let it take its time. There is a possibility that you might miss out on the enjoyment by being too worried about what you're expecting and whether that is coming true or not. Next time you make out with your boyfriend, just focus on that, and if this is a guy that you really like and find attractive, I'm sure there's something that you will enjoy in it.
Dear 22,
To answer your question straight to the point, NO, every intercourse is not painful. In fact it can be the most pleasurable experience you have ever had. But for women the first time can often be painful because the hymen which covers the opening to the vagina tears when she is having intercourse. If you want to make the pain as less as possible it is good to first be comfortable with having sex, prep your body for what is going to come (you and your partner need to be on the same page)and focus on having a lot of foreplay to relax yourself and your vaginal muscles.
intercourse , pain , virginity
Dear Girl,
No, you cannot get pregnant from anal or oral sex. Now this is because during anal sex the guy ejaculates in the rectum which is separated from the vagina by a wall. Basically, anatomically there is no way that sperms can reach the eggs released by your ovary. The same thing goes for oral sex as there is too much distance from the mouth to the vagina to the eggs and as energetic as sperms are, they begin to die rapidly in open air. Keep in mind though that you can get sexually transmitted infections (STIs) with both anal and oral sex, so protect yourself by having your partner use a condom. This also goes for oral sex. Both partners should shield their private parts with a condom (you can cut it and stretch it to show one-layer) when performing oral sex.
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