Laws of Intimacy

Kathmandu is going through a major social transition. Young generations are viewing intimate relationships in a completely different way than the previous generations. Things such as holding hands in public, bringing your partner to your parent’s house, sex before marriage and so on, used to be a taboo but are now accepted norms among these youth. The urban Nepali youth grew up with this notion; however, their parents or even their older siblings did not. This difference in attitude and morals create guilt and confusion among the youth, and they struggle to keep up with this shift in attitude and what society, parents and even their peers consider “acceptable.”

This is their story.

Kushal, 28, and Bhushita, 21 live together in a small one-room hut in Nagarjun Hills, in the outskirts of Kathmandu in an ashram. They're not married and they never want to be. They don't have children and they don't want one. They're what their society would tag as taboo and inappropriate or others would call progressive or the modern couple. But to them they're simply following their hearts. “I don’t know what’s so wrong about living with someone you love. You’re going to end up living with a man anyway even if you had an arranged marriage,” says Bhushita, who was a virgin when she met Kushal three years ago while working at The Kathmandu Post. "One day I took him to the terrace (on top of the building at work) and told him I loved him and asked him to kiss me," she reminisces. “No, no that’s not how it happened. She didn’t ask me, she grabbed me!” corrects Kushal. Both agree that it was an instant connection.

Bhushita's mom was not too pleased about her decision to live in an ashram with a man and continuously tells her that she should get married. "I am able to live away from home because I'm financially independent. That's reallly important if you want to live in your own terms," says Bhushita, who is a communications officer at a bank and goes to college part-time. Kushal, who goes to college full-time, agrees, “I think we are being respectful (to our parents) by living our own lives; we’re not ruining ourselves, we’re growing.” Bhushita, who left home when she was 17, says that she always wanted to do an interview like this because she wanted to speak to the “mass psyche” who wants to be free in this society but feel that they can’t. “What is the guilt? What is important to you? Social acceptability? Isn’t being true to yourself important?” asks Bhushita. “Living in the city (not in the ashram) is not a problem but in the society, there’s always going to be people who’s going to look at us with suspicion. But here the fact that we are in love, living together is not just accepted but people appreciate it,” says Bhushita.

Kushal says that most people want to get married, want social recognition and that makes them happy but if they are doing that because it’s socially acceptable, then they should think again. “With us we never asked our parents if we could live together, we just did. People respect courage; I have seen that because most people are cowards and inside of them, everybody wants to be free," says Kushal.

Ashish and Prerana (names changed), both 24, have been together for about two years. They met while going to graduate school in Kathmandu. Ashish doesn’t mind going public for this story but Prerana definitely doesn’t for obvious reasons—her parents don’t know that she has a boyfriend nor would they approve if they found out that he was from a different caste. After all her older sister had an arranged marriage with a man of the same caste and her older brother fell in love and married the girl of the same caste. Ashish admits that he was not a virgin when he met Prerana but Prerana refuses to answer the question. Both feel that it’s not a big deal to have sex before marriage. Ashish’s parents are more liberal; Prerana visits his house often after college and even cooks and eats with the parents and grandparents. Prerana considers herself to be progressive but she would not consider living together with Ashish before marriage. “I want it to be something special. Living together before getting married doesn’t make it special,” says Prerana. Ashish, the quieter one, nods in agreement; after all both of them grew up living in an extended family and like the atmosphere. They both want to get married and even consulted an astrologer about their future only eight months into their relationship. “We’re both very compatible, more than 100% actually,” says Prerana. Both have even told Ashish’s parents about their super compatibility, although they say even if it showed that they weren't, it wouldn’t affect their decision to get married. So the problem remains: What would Prerana do when the time comes to actually introduce Ashish to her parents? “My parents definitely won’t allow it, but in time, I’m hoping they will give in. I guess let time decide,” says Prerana. Both of them feel that they are doing what they want and not merely adhering to what is socially acceptable.

~ Photostory by Shreyans Tamang, photo/film editor, V.E.N.T! Magazine

This photostory is a part of an exchange program organized by photo.circle (Nepal), Pathshala (Bangladesh) and Oslo University (Norway), and funded by the Norwegian Ministry of Foreign Affairs. The program began with a four-day workshop by Photojournalist Philip Blenkinsop where eight students each from Nepal and Norway and 12 from Bangladesh participated. This photostory was part of a three week assignment.