I’m an unmarried girl. I was sexually exploited when I was about 11 yrs and I don’t think I am a virgin. Nobody knows about it. I have grown with fear of sex because of my bad memories. Will this affect my future married life? What should I do?

Dear 22,

I can imagine the incredibly vulnerable space this question is coming from and want to thank you for being so brave to ask this question.

It is difficult for me to be preachy and tell you what to do because in spite of all the sympathy I share, I can only imagine what it is that you've gone through—during the period of abuse and all the years that have followed. Yet, I would recommend that you talk about this with a person that you trust. You've been brave in keeping this to yourself all these years, but being able to share it with someone you trust will help tremendously. If starting a conversation about this is difficult, then you have to keep reminding yourself that what happened to you wasn't your fault, and that you don't need to feel embarrassed about it. It is understandable but also unfortunate that people don't talk openly about their experiences of sexual abuse, because you would know that you're not the only one. Knowing how common it is makes it easy to share your experiences and provide support for one another. It also makes you feel less isolated. 

I guess at this point, you're not even sure how to feel about it. If I were in your shoes, I would feel completely lost as well, and having a person I trust, like an older sibling or a good friend, tell me that it's okay, that I should be allowed to feel angry and go through the process of grieving and mourning would be immensely helpful. I'm trying to do that from here, but it is much more important and effective having someone you know be with you in person when you share your fears. How is your relationship with your parents? Would you feel comfortable opening up to your parents about this? Of course, here I can presuming that the abuser is not one of your parents. If the abuser is one your parents, as difficult as it may sound, it is also a good idea to eventually talk about this with your parent(s). Telling your parents first might not be the best thing to do. Because you are so close to them, and they feel responsible for you—for them you are a part of them after all—it will undoubtedly come as a shock to them and will make them upset. In addition to this, a daughter's sexuality is a very touchy issue for parents and abuse, far worse. That's why instead of them being able to help and support you immediately, you might end up having to comfort them. Telling someone you trust who wouldn't be affected to the same extent might be a better first step. If I were you, I'd definitely take this person along with me when I'd go to talk about it with my parents because my parents as well as I would need all the support that we could have. In addition to this, pedophilia is more difficult for parents to deal with because usually it happens through someone close to them—often someone that they trusted you with. If this is the case for you as well, then of course, it will be difficult to talk about it and you will probably need to gather as much strength and support as possible before approaching them.

You can decide with your parents about what the next step is to be. Remember, that it is not so much a political or legal struggle as much as it is a personal struggle. There are no 'should's or 'ought to be's. In legal terms, pedophilia is a crime, and what was done to you is criminal activity. Yet, the law can never fully embrace or define exactly what the experience means to you and how it affected you. Legally, the right thing would be to report this person to the police and it would be the ideal thing for all perpetrators to be punished. But what you do has to be the right thing for you personally. Approaching the legal system for help can mean leaving yourself vulnerable to public speculation and scrutiny. As unfortunate as it is, being a girl makes the speculation more intrusive, the scrutiny more undignified. You would have to make yourself very strong and be prepared not to be affected by how people respond to it.

Your current fear with sex and your worries about not having a good sex life with your husband are only natural. If it helps, then know that there are many people out there who have gone through similar cases of abuse and are capable of having loving and nourishing sexual lives. It is possible to overcome this fear and having support of people close to you can help. Falling in love and entering a sexual space where you trust your partner and your partner is sensitive to your past and your needs will also help. Knowing that sex is a beautiful experience, and being able to associate it with pleasure, joy, happiness and love can slowly erase the association it has with pain and trauma. It might be possible for you to overcome it naturally, but if that's difficult, then you might need to take help from a counselor as well. Be open to options.

I'd like to end by urging you to let yourself grieve about it so that the process of healing can begin. Take the first difficult step of sharing it with someone you truly trust and I'm sure you will find many solutions emerge out of that first step. I encourage you to write back to us regardless of whatever decision you have decided to take.